Damaged People Dating

I needed to take the time out to write about this because this is something that I learned about a couple months ago.

First, I want to specify what I mean by “damaged” people dating. Damaged people, for example, is a person who just got out of a serious relationship and think that they can jump into a new serious relationship and that could be for a number of reasons.

A person who is damaged needs time to heal but they may not realize that at first and may think that finding someone new is what they need in order to heal and sometimes that may work for some if that was talked about and established. Communication is vastly important for just about every situation having to do with human interaction.

People who just came out of a serious relationship are emotionally exhausted. They gave so much of themselves to someone else and it did not work out in the long run. I’m not saying these are people to avoid at all but it does not hurt to point out to them over and over that they need time to be on their own and to heal up if being in a serious relationship is their end goal.

But if they do want to be with someone else, if they feel that may help, they need to pick who they spend their romance with carefully because it sounds better for them to be with a person who wants something more casual compared to a person who wants to seriously date.

The upsetting part is that there are people who are still “damaged” and may be seriously trying to date but skip over the fact that they just got out of a serious relationship. That type of situation is not fair to the other person but life is not about being fair; it’s about learning. Sadly, these situations are going to cause some pain and yes, it does suck.

It could have all been avoided if the “damaged” person was just honest about their life situation sooner in order for the other person to make an education decision on whether or not they want to continue things with said “damaged” person.

One suggestion I do have is to not be afraid to ask a person you think you may want to date about their previous relationships. That is something to always ask when getting to know someone romantically anyway. It is important to ask questions in general about information that is important to you in order to find your peace of mind and security.

Before I wrap this up, I just want to stress that these are not people to avoid at all. If anything they can be great friends, need their friends and healthy friendships to get over their breakups. Although, it is very important to be mindful of other people’s emotions if avoiding unnecessary hurt is the goal and to try to be as honest as possible about information you know is or may involve another person.

Please follow me on TWITTER @midnighthuee and tell me when people thought you were functional when you mind was too busy saving itself from itself.

Smile. Try to do one good deed each day and until next time, Take Care ❤

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Mental Illness does not equal Creativity

I have been seeing and hearing for years that creative people write their best stuff when they are experiencing depression for example or when they are in a very low point in their lives. I am alongside with all of the people who disagree. As someone who has been writing since I have been very young, I remember writing a lot of stuff whenever I was in a good place mentality.

I have not been in a great place as of late and while I was a teenager. I did not write anything I was proud of when I was a teenager dealing with the aftermath of being bullied, growing up and not knowing how to deal with the fact that I was bullied for so long.

It was not that long ago that I lost my drive and will to write out my posts for my blogs and lost the motivation to work on my stories because of me, not so long ago, experiencing depression.

The media has done a very good job of showing people that great things can come from painful times and that may be true for some but I doubt for most especially when it comes to mental health issues. When someone has a mental health issue, our bodies become to preoccupied with tending to said mental issues and making sure we can function and not die.

I also have a handful of creative friends as well who have gone through their own mental issues that prevented them from making any type of art. I remember we would have conversations about how they felt so sad or they felt so unmotivated that they either couldn’t come up with anything good or whatever ideas they did have, they felt it was not good enough to show. Something I can relate to on a very deep level.

Having mental health issues and experiencing them are terrible experiences. My depression was so bad that I remember thinking that I would not wish those types of emotions and emptiness of emotions on my worst enemies; no one wants to feel that way. Most people definitely cannot squeeze out anything creative when they are in such a bad head space. It can become such a struggle for some to just get out of bed or even brush their teeth so imagine trying to write out an elaborate book series or even just one chapter or even just one blog post.

So when it comes to creative people making some type of art whether it is a TV show, a story, a drawing or a painting, we did not make it when we were in a terrible or bad head space., we made those pieces of art when we were in a much better place with ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I will end things here. I know it was rather short but I do not think there is more to say on the matter for now. We are note creative when we are dealing with a mental or emotional issue; we just can’t.

Please follow me on TWITTER @midnighthuee and tell me when people thought you were functional when you mind was too busy saving itself from itself.

Smile. Try to do one good deed each day and until next time, Take Care ❤

being an understanding person.

I think it is important to remind each other from time to time how important it is to be an understanding person not only to your loved ones and yourself but to the people around you.

We are all humans beings and we are all used to our way of living. Sometimes we can forget that there are about 7.5 billion people on our Earth today and counting. So of course we are very likely to bump into someone or something that is vastly different from us. But that’s okay because just because something is different does not make it scary; it’s just different.

Personally, I prefer differences especially since I’m trying to become more professional with my writing. The more people I meet who are different from me the more likely I am to get inspired by something they had to offer. If I kept spending so much time around people who were very similar to me, my way of thinking would never have be challenged. I would pretty much stay the same person because there would be no exposure to something or someone different from myself to challenge my way of thinking or my perspectives on life.

I know it can be scary when we are face-to-face with something that we do not have much knowledge on because it could be dangerous or we just do not know what to do at first. But I think it’s okay when we don’t have much knowledge when it comes to a completely different person because that is when communication comes in handy.

Of course if you feel like the person can be dangerous then by all means, trust you instincts. But when it comes to meeting new people for example, I think it is important to just talk, ask simple questions like where were they born. If they’re from another country, just ask them how it’s like. 

Another way to be understanding is when your loved ones are busy or can have pretty busy schedules at some points throughout the week. I know when I’m trying to see some friends and they end up being busier than expected, it sucks. But that does not mean that it’s the end. We talk about when is our next available time and we take things from there. I know some people would get mad about something like that because the schedule shifted and not everyone knows how to accommodate to that.

But being understand of people’s schedules is important because it builds trust, it builds faith and comfort in both people; especially they one who turned out to be busier than anticipated.

I know I also need to talk a little about being understanding with ourselves. I know when I was younger and I didn’t do well with my academics, I’d definitely beat myself up over it. There were times when I made myself feel less than because I didn’t get a top score for example. Even though my grades were usually at the top of my class, I’d feel like such a loser whenever I would get an okay grade. I shouldn’t have spoken to myself like that. No one is perfect. Sometimes we are not going to do so well at something for whatever the reason may be and it’s expected of us. We are not always suppose to get things right the first time or every time. We can be our best cheerleaders or our worst enemies. I think it’s better to be kinder to ourselves and be understanding of that fact that we didn’t do well this time. Which can mean that next time we’ll do much better and learn from our previous mistakes.

There are tons of examples on how to be an understanding person but I think what helps is to keep an open mind to things. Things are subject to change at any time so I think it is important to be mindful of that and to not have such high expectations because your body may react in a way that isn’t so beneficial to anyone including yourself.

I am going to end things here because I wanted to make a short post about being understanding and doing our best to be with those around us and ourselves.

Please follow me on TWITTER @midnighthuee and tell me how hard it can be to be understanding sometimes.

Smile. Try to do one good deed each day and until next time, Take Care ❤

Depression = No Drive

I wanted to make a post about why I have been lacking in drive and motivation to write and I decided to make it just a mini series of posts for those who may be going through the same thing.

I have not been writing as much as I was for most of this year because in the middle of June, I developed depression and I didn’t have the courage until recently to start talking about. I even feel very guilty right now typing this because I have not even told my two best friends that I had depression. I mainly didn’t tell them because I didn’t want them to tend to me. I wanted them to think I was fine so that they could treat me the same way and not treat me like a depressed person.

I was isolating myself, putting myself down and making myself feel like absolute worthless shit. The two things I really wanted to do this summer was to finally read more books and write more posts because I finally had the drive that I have been waiting 3 summers to have and just like that it was gone.

I still do not have the drive I once had earlier in the summer and said lack of drive only prevents me from writing even more. I  think I can say that I do not “have as much” depression if that is even a correct way to describe things. But I still find my appetite not being where I want to be and I have not been going to the gym as much as I previously was but I am still going to the gym every week nonetheless.

I also didn’t have the courage to write about my depression because of how long I had it. I ended up being depressed for about a month and a half, maybe two months before I started feeling like myself again. I thought that amount of time was not adequate compared to others who have had depression for many months of many years so I felt like I could not relate to them.

It took me quite some time to realize that it is not necessarily about the amount of time but what you felt and did during that amount of said time. 

I want to believe that I am not as depressed as before because I do feel much happier than before and I do feel more like myself again. But when it comes to my reading and writing, I can’t help but to worry that maybe there is still something lingering because I struggle just as much as before when it comes to writing and when it comes to writing something that I am actually proud of.

I also get anxiety sometimes which is one of the worst things I have experienced. But I will say that for me, dealing and trying to get past depression was way scarier than having anxiety. When I have anxiety, I am going back and forth with myself about things that I know are okay but my anxiety wants to tell me other wise. Unfortunately, it does take some time for my anxiety to fade. The other day it took about 6 hours for my anxiety to fully fade. But when it comes to depression, it is a completely different ball park to me and for me.

When my depression was at its worst, I could not talk to anyone. I was crying almost all the time for no apparent reason. I was crying because I was sad and I felt sad because I was sad. There was nothing in particular that I was sad about. I was crying for the plain fact that I was feeling sad due to me being depressed. When it came to the crying all the time, it was very hard not to cry in public. It was very difficult not to run somewhere secluded where I can scream and whale at the top of my lungs until I felt some type of feeling again because I did experience some emotional numbness.

When I was or was not crying, I was isolating myself from all of my friends and my parents. I could not bring myself to talk to anyone. My depression was telling me not to talk to anyone because I didn’t deserve to. My depression was also telling me what a piece of shit I was and how worthless I was. That part had to be the worst for me; when my depression was trying to convince me of how worthless I was and in the beginning, I believed it. Anytime my depression would belittle or demean me, I’d let it and I’d agree.

But over time, I refused to let myself think that way because of the years of hard work of working on myself and my happiness. That was what helped me a lot to get out of my depression.; my resilience and refusal to lose. I began to just refuse to be like that with myself and I kept fighting and pushing until there was nothing telling me that I was nothing because that was the biggest lie it could say to me.

I have worked extremely hard to become the person I am today. That was another reason why I felt so ashamed to talk about my depression. I had worked so hard to become genuinely happy and then for my coping skills not to work and still developed depression. I felt like I failed myself and I probably did. But staying down just was not an option for me.

For now, I am going to end this here because I’m starting to feel spent. I finally found some energy to write this post because I can only imagine how many people are going through depression right now as I’m writing this or the amount of people who were on a similar boat as me.

Please follow me on TWITTER @midnighthuee and tell me if you had a friend with some mental health issues and what you did to help make you friend feel better.

Smile. Try to do one good deed each day and until next time, Take Care ❤

Dropping the ball.

I’m not sure whether or not a lot of people talk about this but maybe we should from time to time.

I’m not entirely sure yet but I think I dropped the ball when it came to my morning job. I was suppose to be there earlier in the morning than usual and unfortunately that did not happen. I actually work for two non-profit organizations currently but I am talking about the non-profit that I work for in the morning. There was a trip and I was told a large amount of staff members were needed because it is a bunch of girls going to Governor’s Island; we wouldn’t want anymore to turn up missing or whatever bad situation could occur.

Due to me not making it on time, I ended up being given the day off because I mixed up the times. I felt terrible because I currently get hourly wages which means that if I am not at work, I do not get paid. The whole point of me having two jobs this summer was to try to get more money to save up but it still isn’t enough. I have two part-time jobs and it just is not enough.

The mix up was that I thought I was suppose to be there at 10am but I was suppose to be there at 9am. Mind you, I put the correct time on my phone so I do not know why my mind looked at my phone and thought, “I’m suppose to be there at 10am.” I was devastated since I’ve never really dropped the ball like that when it came to any of my jobs. I couldn’t help but to be so pissed with myself because I was given a responsibility and I didn’t pull through. I’m disappointed with myself. I felt like I was trying but I guess I’m not trying hard enough if I can’t show up for a trip on-time.

Subconsciously, I don’t care for the job much because I know what I am capable of and that job is not putting me to do anything that I can do. I mainly just sit around with my students since I’m a teacher assistance. I took the job since I worked for the same place last summer and I did do a lot more but I taught younger students. This year, I with older girls and I guess I’m not needed much.

Due to all of this happening, I ended literally reevaluate my whole life, again. Of course we never reevaluate our lives once and that’s it, we have everything figured out.

For a little while now anyway, I keep thinking if this is something I currently want to keep doing; working with children in an after-school or summer program setting. I keep thinking no because I can do so much more and I am capable of doing so much more. I know I have a lot to offer. I just have to keep looking and honing my skills until I find a place that can offer me a livable wage.

I intended this to be pretty short because when I do feel bad about something I just write until I feel better. Writing for me is very therapeutic as well as something I want to keep doing for a long time. What I’m deeply hoping for it to make my writing more well-known. One day.

I am going to end things here for now. Please leave comments below and tell me about times when you’ve had to reevaluate your life…again. Please follow me on TWITTER @midnighthuee and don’t before afraid to leave me some tweets.

I know I’m off schedule but I wanted to type my feelings out today. As I’ve mentioned before, I know someone out there must feel the same way that I do so I hope my post reassures them. I do intend to be back on schedule this week.

Smile. Try to do a good deed and until next time, Take Care ❤

Single Long Time

I thought it would be a good idea to talk about this because I never really sat down with myself to discuss the fact that I have been single for a long time now. When I say a long time, I do mean a long time for me personally because I have not had a boyfriend in about 5-6 years now and that can feel like eternity for some. When it became one year, I thought it was no big deal because I did have a date or two so I thought it was just amount of time until I got a boyfriend. Little did I know.

Next thing I knew, 3 years became 4 and I am bitching and complaining to all of my friends about why people who are not fit for relationships are in relationships meanwhile, for the most part, I’m pretty well-rounded so why is it so hard for me? It took me a long time to feel okay about being single for a long time and learning how to love myself and falling in love with myself time and time again because like anyone around my age, I do get lonely and in need of company.

One of my best-friends also told me that broken people attract other broken people and there are more broken people out there in the world than well-rounded people such as me and my two closest best-friends. Another thing is that there are plenty of people who are scared to be happy with someone but that is something I will leave for another post.

Then those feelings of being lonely and such branches out to the feeling of willing to be accompanied by any guy no matter how unsuitable they are for me because I didn’t want to feel alone. Sure, I have been involved with some guys but none of them ever became serious. Along side with me intentionally becoming involved with some guys because I knew it would never become serious. But then I would catch myself feeling sad when it wouldn’t become serious due to all of those non-realistic rom-com movies I watched growing up that showed me that two completely different people who start fucking eventually start developing feelings for each other and get into this beautiful relationship when that does not happen very often ESPECIALLY with people who live in the city in my opinion. 

I was told my a former friend that an exact situation happened to one of his friends; his friend had a one night stand with a girl and started dating her soon after because he cared about her and was not the type to just sleep with a girl and that would be it. That girl was beyond lucky because most guys would fuck and leave or try to be friends so that in the future he can try to fuck some more if the sex was that good.

But I mainly wanted to talk about this because I learned to love being with myself so much that now I get anxiety or feel very uncomfortable when a guy does like me and/or tries to seriously date me because I have not been in a serious relationship for so long. 

I don’t really remember how to be intimate and close with a man who seriously wants to be close and intimate with me.

Every time I think about it, I see my body freaking out because it feels like something bad is going to happen or I might think, “why even bother? We both know this isn’t going to go far.” And the list of negative thoughts go on.

I just don’t know how to be in a serious relationship anymore with someone where I don’t have to worry about anything and barely have any stresses concerning the relationships unless something serious occurs and I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.

I’m also not afraid to say that I do not know how to be in a serious relationships anymore because I am willing to learn how to do it again but it would take me some time. I do prefer to take things slow and really get to know the guy.

I really just want to talk with a man and have conversations that feel natural.

I hate when guys feel that in order to show that their attracted to me they have to flirt with me. I hate it because I automatically think that they just want to hit it and quit it because that is what most men want to do with me and I’m simply not about doing that with a guy I am far from feeling comfortable with.

I honestly don’t mind hitting it and quitting it with a guy but it has to be a guy I know very well and I’m comfortable with. Comfort is very important to both me and I know so men feel the same way so I don’t want to hear that guys will sleep with just any woman because that’s just dangerous for anyone and everyone.

I’m open to trying to be in a relationship with someone but I find it really hard to explain to them that I have had a hard time in the past and I’ve been single for a long time so I need to go slow; men give me anxiety.

I have had a few instances when people have told me, back in college, some guys liked me but I have to pay attention to who they were. That is probably the worse advice to tell anyone who has had the experiences I had or similar to the experiences I have had. Along with how am I able to pay attention to something that I cannot see? Pay attention to what? I don’t know how many times I said, “No one does not seem to be talking to me with serious romantic intentions. Pay attention to who?”

“Can’t tell you, bro code.”

One of the most annoying things to tell a woman who is willing to be in a loving relationship, “bro code.” It’s funny until it’s seriously used. You’re trying to help your boy by not helping your boy? There are billions of men in the world. Who do you expect me to pay attention to when no guy appears to have romantic intentions towards me?

Guys, there’s no solid advice I can give you aside from being yourself. If she does not like you for you or willing to get to know you, you’re wasting your time. This applies to women as well. Be yourself. If he does not like you for you and is not willing to get to know you, you are wasting your time. Find someone who is willing to get to know you and genuinely speak with you to see what kind of person you are. Skin deep relationships are important. 

If you’re okay with a gentlemen or lady who likes you for your body and all of that is established between all parties then okay. If you are not okay with that, you need to say something because the only one losing out is you.

I digress. I need to start out slow with a guy because I do not want to get ahead of myself and I usually just want to talk to a guy to see what he is about and to see if we are compatible.

A lot of the times when I end up opening up about myself it is because if I feel the way that I do that means someone else out there feels the same way. I write in hopes that my posts make their way to people who feel the same way and hopefully recognize that they are not alone and not the only ones who feel the way that they feel.

So one thing I would want to leave with those reading is to try to be open-minded and understanding with some people who have been single for a long time and is just used to being single and loving themselves. Ask what they like to do and go from there. 

Everything I say here is merely a suggestion. No matter what I suggest, you can make the final decision in what you think is best for you. Please follow me on TWITTER @midnighthuee and tell me about your romantic relationship endeavors.

Smile. Try to do one good deed each day and until next time, Take Care ❤

Traveling.

I wanted to take some time out to talk a little about my recent travels. My trip will be almost done by the time you are reading this and by then hopefully I have a good trip overall.

I forgot that I do not do well with traveling with family members. I am only with one and this said family member shows their emotions through getting angry or dramatic which is draining for a person like me who rather take things are they are and work from there.

Before the trip even started my family member was complaining that we were going to be late to he airport because I accidentally ordered a cab 15 minutes later than we decided and it was my first time booking a cab in advance. I got the hang of it and I highly recommend booking cabs in advance if you need to be somewhere on time and do not want to leave things up to chance.

Of course we were not late for the flight, we were really early and got there on time with plenty of time to spare. I forgot about my money because I have been so focused on other things despite still being on vacation. My said family member is the only one who can go into my savings for the meantime and I can not go alone to take out money from my savings. Apparently it was my fault instead of theirs when they went to the bank the day before and didn’t ask if I wanted anything while they were at the bank. 

Yes, I should have reminded the person but I still thought the person would have said something considering I cannot withdraw anything without their signature. Which is probably the reason why I didn’t make such a big fuss but either way it does not really matter because of technology; I can use my debit card anywhere and the currency will exchange automatically. If I really want cash, I could go to any international bank, no big deal right?

Not to this family member! 😀 They just kept finding ways to take out cash when it was clearly too late and not a big deal because I could still use my debit card. Why fuss?

Lets fast forward into the night shall we? Said relative has sleep issues, they talk in their sleep, snore, and etc. So what happens at night? I go to bed early enough to wake up for the complimentary breakfast the hotel offers which is from 8am to 9am if I’m not mistaken. But I spend hours trying to sleep and kept waking up throughout the night because my relative kept making so much noise. They were talking in their sleep, moving around too much so all you heard was the ruffling of their bed sheets along side with all of the snoring that was going on. There was no such thing as sleep for me that night. Considering all the noise congestion in this hotel, since this is smaller hotel than what I am used to, I wouldn’t be surprised if other people heard all the snores faintly. My relative would snore so loud that they’d wake themselves up throughout the night.

It was too much because I already was not feeling comfortable in this room since it is smaller than what I am use to and there is no kitchen; I can’t make my own hot meals when I am trying to have a better diet. Along with me being homesick and missing my best friends, I  wasn’t even able to come to terms with any of those feelings because of how loud my relative was despite being asleep.

Hopefully, the other nights were not as bad and I was able to get some sleep but now as much as I need. One night I got six hours of sleep so of course I woke up late. I even ended up not going out that day and just stayed at the hotel to read and write all day. Not too shabby if you ask me.

I haven’t had a day where all I did was read, write, eat, and drink water. Of course use the bathroom whenever necessary.

Either way, I stress for you all to make sure that the person you are traveling with will not make the trip unbearable, try to make the trip fun to some extent and is understanding of how much space you need.

Everything I say here is merely a suggestion. No matter what I suggest, you can make the final decision in what you think is best for you. Please follow me on TWITTER @midnighthuee and tell me if you’ve ever been on an insufferable trip with a family member.

Smile. Try to do one good deed each day and until next time, Take Care ❤