I wanted to make a post about why I have been lacking in drive and motivation to write and I decided to make it just a mini series of posts for those who may be going through the same thing.
I have not been writing as much as I was for most of this year because in the middle of June, I developed depression and I didn’t have the courage until recently to start talking about. I even feel very guilty right now typing this because I have not even told my two best friends that I had depression. I mainly didn’t tell them because I didn’t want them to tend to me. I wanted them to think I was fine so that they could treat me the same way and not treat me like a depressed person.
I was isolating myself, putting myself down and making myself feel like absolute worthless shit. The two things I really wanted to do this summer was to finally read more books and write more posts because I finally had the drive that I have been waiting 3 summers to have and just like that it was gone.
I still do not have the drive I once had earlier in the summer and said lack of drive only prevents me from writing even more. I think I can say that I do not “have as much” depression if that is even a correct way to describe things. But I still find my appetite not being where I want to be and I have not been going to the gym as much as I previously was but I am still going to the gym every week nonetheless.
I also didn’t have the courage to write about my depression because of how long I had it. I ended up being depressed for about a month and a half, maybe two months before I started feeling like myself again. I thought that amount of time was not adequate compared to others who have had depression for many months of many years so I felt like I could not relate to them.
It took me quite some time to realize that it is not necessarily about the amount of time but what you felt and did during that amount of said time.
I want to believe that I am not as depressed as before because I do feel much happier than before and I do feel more like myself again. But when it comes to my reading and writing, I can’t help but to worry that maybe there is still something lingering because I struggle just as much as before when it comes to writing and when it comes to writing something that I am actually proud of.
I also get anxiety sometimes which is one of the worst things I have experienced. But I will say that for me, dealing and trying to get past depression was way scarier than having anxiety. When I have anxiety, I am going back and forth with myself about things that I know are okay but my anxiety wants to tell me other wise. Unfortunately, it does take some time for my anxiety to fade. The other day it took about 6 hours for my anxiety to fully fade. But when it comes to depression, it is a completely different ball park to me and for me.
When my depression was at its worst, I could not talk to anyone. I was crying almost all the time for no apparent reason. I was crying because I was sad and I felt sad because I was sad. There was nothing in particular that I was sad about. I was crying for the plain fact that I was feeling sad due to me being depressed. When it came to the crying all the time, it was very hard not to cry in public. It was very difficult not to run somewhere secluded where I can scream and whale at the top of my lungs until I felt some type of feeling again because I did experience some emotional numbness.
When I was or was not crying, I was isolating myself from all of my friends and my parents. I could not bring myself to talk to anyone. My depression was telling me not to talk to anyone because I didn’t deserve to. My depression was also telling me what a piece of shit I was and how worthless I was. That part had to be the worst for me; when my depression was trying to convince me of how worthless I was and in the beginning, I believed it. Anytime my depression would belittle or demean me, I’d let it and I’d agree.
But over time, I refused to let myself think that way because of the years of hard work of working on myself and my happiness. That was what helped me a lot to get out of my depression.; my resilience and refusal to lose. I began to just refuse to be like that with myself and I kept fighting and pushing until there was nothing telling me that I was nothing because that was the biggest lie it could say to me.
I have worked extremely hard to become the person I am today. That was another reason why I felt so ashamed to talk about my depression. I had worked so hard to become genuinely happy and then for my coping skills not to work and still developed depression. I felt like I failed myself and I probably did. But staying down just was not an option for me.
For now, I am going to end this here because I’m starting to feel spent. I finally found some energy to write this post because I can only imagine how many people are going through depression right now as I’m writing this or the amount of people who were on a similar boat as me.
Please follow me on TWITTER @midnighthuee and tell me if you had a friend with some mental health issues and what you did to help make you friend feel better.
Smile. Try to do one good deed each day and until next time, Take Care ❤