Dropping the ball.

I’m not sure whether or not a lot of people talk about this but maybe we should from time to time.

I’m not entirely sure yet but I think I dropped the ball when it came to my morning job. I was suppose to be there earlier in the morning than usual and unfortunately that did not happen. I actually work for two non-profit organizations currently but I am talking about the non-profit that I work for in the morning. There was a trip and I was told a large amount of staff members were needed because it is a bunch of girls going to Governor’s Island; we wouldn’t want anymore to turn up missing or whatever bad situation could occur.

Due to me not making it on time, I ended up being given the day off because I mixed up the times. I felt terrible because I currently get hourly wages which means that if I am not at work, I do not get paid. The whole point of me having two jobs this summer was to try to get more money to save up but it still isn’t enough. I have two part-time jobs and it just is not enough.

The mix up was that I thought I was suppose to be there at 10am but I was suppose to be there at 9am. Mind you, I put the correct time on my phone so I do not know why my mind looked at my phone and thought, “I’m suppose to be there at 10am.” I was devastated since I’ve never really dropped the ball like that when it came to any of my jobs. I couldn’t help but to be so pissed with myself because I was given a responsibility and I didn’t pull through. I’m disappointed with myself. I felt like I was trying but I guess I’m not trying hard enough if I can’t show up for a trip on-time.

Subconsciously, I don’t care for the job much because I know what I am capable of and that job is not putting me to do anything that I can do. I mainly just sit around with my students since I’m a teacher assistance. I took the job since I worked for the same place last summer and I did do a lot more but I taught younger students. This year, I with older girls and I guess I’m not needed much.

Due to all of this happening, I ended literally reevaluate my whole life, again. Of course we never reevaluate our lives once and that’s it, we have everything figured out.

For a little while now anyway, I keep thinking if this is something I currently want to keep doing; working with children in an after-school or summer program setting. I keep thinking no because I can do so much more and I am capable of doing so much more. I know I have a lot to offer. I just have to keep looking and honing my skills until I find a place that can offer me a livable wage.

I intended this to be pretty short because when I do feel bad about something I just write until I feel better. Writing for me is very therapeutic as well as something I want to keep doing for a long time. What I’m deeply hoping for it to make my writing more well-known. One day.

I am going to end things here for now. Please leave comments below and tell me about times when you’ve had to reevaluate your life…again. Please follow me on TWITTER @midnighthuee and don’t before afraid to leave me some tweets.

I know I’m off schedule but I wanted to type my feelings out today. As I’ve mentioned before, I know someone out there must feel the same way that I do so I hope my post reassures them. I do intend to be back on schedule this week.

Smile. Try to do a good deed and until next time, Take Care ❤

Single Long Time

I thought it would be a good idea to talk about this because I never really sat down with myself to discuss the fact that I have been single for a long time now. When I say a long time, I do mean a long time for me personally because I have not had a boyfriend in about 5-6 years now and that can feel like eternity for some. When it became one year, I thought it was no big deal because I did have a date or two so I thought it was just amount of time until I got a boyfriend. Little did I know.

Next thing I knew, 3 years became 4 and I am bitching and complaining to all of my friends about why people who are not fit for relationships are in relationships meanwhile, for the most part, I’m pretty well-rounded so why is it so hard for me? It took me a long time to feel okay about being single for a long time and learning how to love myself and falling in love with myself time and time again because like anyone around my age, I do get lonely and in need of company.

One of my best-friends also told me that broken people attract other broken people and there are more broken people out there in the world than well-rounded people such as me and my two closest best-friends. Another thing is that there are plenty of people who are scared to be happy with someone but that is something I will leave for another post.

Then those feelings of being lonely and such branches out to the feeling of willing to be accompanied by any guy no matter how unsuitable they are for me because I didn’t want to feel alone. Sure, I have been involved with some guys but none of them ever became serious. Along side with me intentionally becoming involved with some guys because I knew it would never become serious. But then I would catch myself feeling sad when it wouldn’t become serious due to all of those non-realistic rom-com movies I watched growing up that showed me that two completely different people who start fucking eventually start developing feelings for each other and get into this beautiful relationship when that does not happen very often ESPECIALLY with people who live in the city in my opinion. 

I was told my a former friend that an exact situation happened to one of his friends; his friend had a one night stand with a girl and started dating her soon after because he cared about her and was not the type to just sleep with a girl and that would be it. That girl was beyond lucky because most guys would fuck and leave or try to be friends so that in the future he can try to fuck some more if the sex was that good.

But I mainly wanted to talk about this because I learned to love being with myself so much that now I get anxiety or feel very uncomfortable when a guy does like me and/or tries to seriously date me because I have not been in a serious relationship for so long. 

I don’t really remember how to be intimate and close with a man who seriously wants to be close and intimate with me.

Every time I think about it, I see my body freaking out because it feels like something bad is going to happen or I might think, “why even bother? We both know this isn’t going to go far.” And the list of negative thoughts go on.

I just don’t know how to be in a serious relationship anymore with someone where I don’t have to worry about anything and barely have any stresses concerning the relationships unless something serious occurs and I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.

I’m also not afraid to say that I do not know how to be in a serious relationships anymore because I am willing to learn how to do it again but it would take me some time. I do prefer to take things slow and really get to know the guy.

I really just want to talk with a man and have conversations that feel natural.

I hate when guys feel that in order to show that their attracted to me they have to flirt with me. I hate it because I automatically think that they just want to hit it and quit it because that is what most men want to do with me and I’m simply not about doing that with a guy I am far from feeling comfortable with.

I honestly don’t mind hitting it and quitting it with a guy but it has to be a guy I know very well and I’m comfortable with. Comfort is very important to both me and I know so men feel the same way so I don’t want to hear that guys will sleep with just any woman because that’s just dangerous for anyone and everyone.

I’m open to trying to be in a relationship with someone but I find it really hard to explain to them that I have had a hard time in the past and I’ve been single for a long time so I need to go slow; men give me anxiety.

I have had a few instances when people have told me, back in college, some guys liked me but I have to pay attention to who they were. That is probably the worse advice to tell anyone who has had the experiences I had or similar to the experiences I have had. Along with how am I able to pay attention to something that I cannot see? Pay attention to what? I don’t know how many times I said, “No one does not seem to be talking to me with serious romantic intentions. Pay attention to who?”

“Can’t tell you, bro code.”

One of the most annoying things to tell a woman who is willing to be in a loving relationship, “bro code.” It’s funny until it’s seriously used. You’re trying to help your boy by not helping your boy? There are billions of men in the world. Who do you expect me to pay attention to when no guy appears to have romantic intentions towards me?

Guys, there’s no solid advice I can give you aside from being yourself. If she does not like you for you or willing to get to know you, you’re wasting your time. This applies to women as well. Be yourself. If he does not like you for you and is not willing to get to know you, you are wasting your time. Find someone who is willing to get to know you and genuinely speak with you to see what kind of person you are. Skin deep relationships are important. 

If you’re okay with a gentlemen or lady who likes you for your body and all of that is established between all parties then okay. If you are not okay with that, you need to say something because the only one losing out is you.

I digress. I need to start out slow with a guy because I do not want to get ahead of myself and I usually just want to talk to a guy to see what he is about and to see if we are compatible.

A lot of the times when I end up opening up about myself it is because if I feel the way that I do that means someone else out there feels the same way. I write in hopes that my posts make their way to people who feel the same way and hopefully recognize that they are not alone and not the only ones who feel the way that they feel.

So one thing I would want to leave with those reading is to try to be open-minded and understanding with some people who have been single for a long time and is just used to being single and loving themselves. Ask what they like to do and go from there. 

Everything I say here is merely a suggestion. No matter what I suggest, you can make the final decision in what you think is best for you. Please follow me on TWITTER @midnighthuee and tell me about your romantic relationship endeavors.

Smile. Try to do one good deed each day and until next time, Take Care ❤

Traveling.

I wanted to take some time out to talk a little about my recent travels. My trip will be almost done by the time you are reading this and by then hopefully I have a good trip overall.

I forgot that I do not do well with traveling with family members. I am only with one and this said family member shows their emotions through getting angry or dramatic which is draining for a person like me who rather take things are they are and work from there.

Before the trip even started my family member was complaining that we were going to be late to he airport because I accidentally ordered a cab 15 minutes later than we decided and it was my first time booking a cab in advance. I got the hang of it and I highly recommend booking cabs in advance if you need to be somewhere on time and do not want to leave things up to chance.

Of course we were not late for the flight, we were really early and got there on time with plenty of time to spare. I forgot about my money because I have been so focused on other things despite still being on vacation. My said family member is the only one who can go into my savings for the meantime and I can not go alone to take out money from my savings. Apparently it was my fault instead of theirs when they went to the bank the day before and didn’t ask if I wanted anything while they were at the bank. 

Yes, I should have reminded the person but I still thought the person would have said something considering I cannot withdraw anything without their signature. Which is probably the reason why I didn’t make such a big fuss but either way it does not really matter because of technology; I can use my debit card anywhere and the currency will exchange automatically. If I really want cash, I could go to any international bank, no big deal right?

Not to this family member! 😀 They just kept finding ways to take out cash when it was clearly too late and not a big deal because I could still use my debit card. Why fuss?

Lets fast forward into the night shall we? Said relative has sleep issues, they talk in their sleep, snore, and etc. So what happens at night? I go to bed early enough to wake up for the complimentary breakfast the hotel offers which is from 8am to 9am if I’m not mistaken. But I spend hours trying to sleep and kept waking up throughout the night because my relative kept making so much noise. They were talking in their sleep, moving around too much so all you heard was the ruffling of their bed sheets along side with all of the snoring that was going on. There was no such thing as sleep for me that night. Considering all the noise congestion in this hotel, since this is smaller hotel than what I am used to, I wouldn’t be surprised if other people heard all the snores faintly. My relative would snore so loud that they’d wake themselves up throughout the night.

It was too much because I already was not feeling comfortable in this room since it is smaller than what I am use to and there is no kitchen; I can’t make my own hot meals when I am trying to have a better diet. Along with me being homesick and missing my best friends, I  wasn’t even able to come to terms with any of those feelings because of how loud my relative was despite being asleep.

Hopefully, the other nights were not as bad and I was able to get some sleep but now as much as I need. One night I got six hours of sleep so of course I woke up late. I even ended up not going out that day and just stayed at the hotel to read and write all day. Not too shabby if you ask me.

I haven’t had a day where all I did was read, write, eat, and drink water. Of course use the bathroom whenever necessary.

Either way, I stress for you all to make sure that the person you are traveling with will not make the trip unbearable, try to make the trip fun to some extent and is understanding of how much space you need.

Everything I say here is merely a suggestion. No matter what I suggest, you can make the final decision in what you think is best for you. Please follow me on TWITTER @midnighthuee and tell me if you’ve ever been on an insufferable trip with a family member.

Smile. Try to do one good deed each day and until next time, Take Care ❤

 

Introducing Myself…

I wanted to take the time out to write a little about myself because I always put it out there that whomever are reading my posts are going to get to know me to some extent. I may not say too much about myself but I want everyone who decided to read what I write, whoever decides to hit that follow button, to have an idea of who is writing all of this stuff.

I am a college graduate with a BA in Psychology. I do intend to become a psychologist, therapist, or psychiatrist one day; whichever I can afford to be for the time being. This is a joy I grew to love as I got older; figuring out why people do what they do. Along with helping those who want to get help. I have been through my amount of struggles on this Earth when I was younger and everything sucked. I lost so much of myself during those times. There are people now who are losing pieces of themselves as I type this. 

But if one day, they find their way to me and I am able to help them, of course I am going to do what I can as a future mental health professional. I have been through so much that I feel this is one of the ways I can give back to as many communities as I can; by becoming a mental health professional.

On the other side, there is writing. 

I have been writing for as long as I remembered picking up a pencil. I was always writing some kind of story in my big spiral notebook. I still remember that notebook even though I haven’t the slightest idea whatever happened to it. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if it got thrown away by one of my parents.

Writing is something I have always loved because it was mine and I never thought about if my writing was good or bad; I just thought of it as writing a story. As I got older, school became more demanding and trying to form some kinds of friendships became a thing. But then I started to get bullied a lot and I never even realized what was happening until I got older. Since I was never in a bullying situation, of course I did not know what to do. A bunch of my teachers at the time witnessed what was happening to me and only did so much.

I remember having one art teacher tell me to go to the principal’s office to tell her what happened and I hesitated so much. I don’t know how long it took me to gather whatever courage to actually go. I kept telling the teacher telling the principal isn’t going to make my classmates stop bullying me and I did not want to go. At the time, we all knew what would happen if we to “snitch” on anyone, we’d get bullied more and sometimes 10x worse. If I remember correctly, my art teacher at the time told me she would not let me go until I told her that I would go tell the principal what happened. I eventually said yes and I actually did go. The principal told me to tell my teacher to tell the girl who bothered me the most to go to the principal’s office and I actually did that too. I have no idea, at the time, what came across me to do such things but I did and I felt so dumb for it. My teacher told the girl who bullied me to go to the principal’s office in front of everyone. Her mistake for doing it in front of everyone. My mistake for going up to my teacher when she was in front of everyone…

One of the worst days of my life. Guaranteed top 5 worst.

Of course the next day the girl started throwing spitballs at me and kept trying to throw basketballs at me until it hit my head on separate occasions. She was a persistent bully and sadly not the only one. At the time, I did not know how to defend myself. All the anxiety that  grew in me still lingers today and it in only triggered in certain situations which sucks. I do not think I have an anxiety disorder but I do get anxious at first sometimes and it goes away just like with most people. 

I share my bullying stories for closure for myself and for other people who read this to know they are not alone. I was bullied for a handful of years and my current life is great and is only going to get better the older I get because I want it to. I learned over the years how to put my foot down and to stand up not only for myself but for others. I took a long time but it was growth well worth it.

Due to that happening and more, I stopped writing… It took me years to pick up a creative pencil again. I even forgot about how much I loved writing. when I found writing again I was sad at first because I forgot about one of my first loves and it was heart-aching. Every since I found it again, I have never let go since.

I have been shy for years to show ANY kinds of my work because I was afraid people would not like it and say it sucks. Even if that happens, one more person knows about my work and knows that I write. 

I AM GOING TO MAKE A TON OF MISTAKES. And I can only hope those who are willing to join this journey will be understanding that some of my work is going to have grammar mistakes or plan not make sense because I am going to have two jobs over the summer so some things are going to go over my head. I apologize in advanced if some posts sound strange. It is purely due to the fact that I probably did not proofread it enough. I might proofread previous posts when I have time. So maybe no. Laughing. Out. Loud.

Those who made it to the end. Thank you. It really does mean a lot to me. You’ll probably never know how much I really do appreciate you making it to the bottom of this post. I plan to do my best here and everything I write something. Thank you for wanting to be apart of my journey…

As for how often I plan to post here, I plan to post on Sundays here as well. I have another blog which is MY OTHER BLOG. I know I posted twice yesterday but I wanted to dip my toes in the water and have something here to show that I am active.

Sundays are the days that you will be seeing my posts. If I miss a Sunday, I usually double up on the next. I hope you guys are looking forward to my suggestions…

Thank you…

to the future…